Tag Archives: self-esteem

Changing the Focus

A big part of healing is Changing the Focus. One of the challenges of responding to Emotional Abuse and recovering from Emotional Abuse is that Verbal abuse and other forms of emotional abuse focus the mind on the negative. In psychological terms, the emotional abuse orients the brain toward negativity. Some of the goals of emotional abuse are to throw you off balance, stun or shame you, or transfer blame. The solution involves reorienting, whether it’s responding differently to an emotional attack or recovering from a history of emotional abuse.

In this blog, I’d like to focus recovery by giving a few tips for Creating Shift from a history of emotional abuse. (A ToolKit for Healing covers responding to Verbal Abuse in detail.) Yes, the brain Is wired to respond to dangerous signals. It is also wired toward advantage and, in social creatures, toward sharing with others to benefit the whole, although the later habit usually also involves socialization. These brain habits can be diminished through lack of recovery from emotional abuse and repetitive emotional abuse. gratitude is the hearts memory

Reorientlng from emotional abuse involves recovering the habit of wellbeing, of being at ease in one’s skin. When one is able to reorient, one recovers at sense of self-esteem and self-confidence. Here are some activities to practice on a regular basis:

Cultivate the habit of breathing deeply and evenly.

  • Make a list of all the positive things that anyone has ever said about you. Update it regularly. “Take it out and review it whenever you feel stuck or down. Ask yourself, “Which one of these attributes would be most beneficial for me to embody now?” “What is the best way for me to embody this attribute(s) now?” “What essence(s) are revealed in these comments?” (Essences are qualities like Love, Peace, Wholeness, Joy, Serenity, Value, Truth, Power, Wisdom, Intelligence, Clarity, Creativity, Awe, Courage, Freedom and Presence.)
  • Every night before you go to sleep, list 10 things that you enjoyed and appreciated about the day (or about your life). This practice helps with low grade anxiety that is interfering with sleep. If your mind tends to gravitate toward the problems in your life without finding solutions that trigger a sense of ease, this exercise is especially important for you.
  • Learn to appreciate and accept complements. Breathe in the complement, smile, and say, “Thanks!” If there is a detail about whatever was complemented, say it. For instance, if an article of clothing is complemented, you might add, “It’s my favorite color.” Accepting complements is part of getting the good of life. And it’s also about connecting with others. People get stuck on whether they agree with the complement (especially if they are feeling out of sorts), and neglect the fact that receiving a complement means someone is trying to connect with you.
  • A way to physical reorient from trauma in general is to look around and focus on physical objects that you find attractive or soothing. Focus on the details of one and then another, and then another, until you feel calm and centered. Your heart has stopped racing, your mind has stopped racing, the butterflies have stopped fluttering, your breathing is easy and relaxed, and your muscles are loose or have at least released their tight grip.

These are just a few ways of Changing the Focus and Creating Shift. What are yours?


Viewing your Life through Kindsight

There are two ways to ask yourself “What did I learn?” One way is ask, “Did I make a “technical” error and how can I prevent that same mistake in the future?” Much practical change & positive growth can come out of this approach.

You will get more satisfaction out of the change & growth if you also ask the second way: Is there was anything from that past experience that I didn’t get that I still want now? And how can I bring it into my life now? The second way also heals old hurts, (including trauma) at a deep level. This way also helps your set a new goal based on an authentic desire. You will be more likely to maniifest your new goal if it involves a state of being like love, joy, power, serenity, clarity, peace, freedom, wholeness, value, intelligence, courage, presence, openness, aliveness, etc.)

Sometimes we miss a window of opportunity for a specific kind of result. For example, there are time and training limited windows of opportunity to become a concert pianist, Olympic athlete, or celebrate 50 years of marriage, or even staying married to a specific person. If you figure out what you wanted to experience as a result of achieving that goal, you will be able to set a new goal that is obtainable now.

Part of desire to achieve the goal may be the pleasure derived from participation in the event. Using the example of being a concert pianist, it maybe the pleasure of music itself or the experience of expressing yourself musically. You may not have enjoyed the performer aspects at all. If you do enjoy performing, then there may be alternative venues where you can play. Most importantly, where does playing music “take you?” For example, you may experience deep joy, power, vitality, wholeness, peace, or some other quality that feels transcendent.

If you use the experience of regret over choices made that will make it improbable that you will ever celebrate a 50th anniversary, ask yourself, “What did I want out of that experience?” You may find that you wanted security, and been dismayed that the relationships increased insecurity emotionally, physically, or economically. Instead of looking outside of yourself for security, you may need to find ways of being more secure in yourself. You may also need to come to terms with the reality that nothing is permanently secure in life. Developing inner strength to cope with the reality of impermanence in life and a faith in the ways you are able to protect and provide for yourself may become the new goals.

Another possibility is that you desired the experienced of devoted love. While this may trigger some grief about love(s) lost, it also creates a stirring awakening of the opportunities that are still available to you. As you pursue the goal of developing a committed relationship with another person, you may find that the first task in achieving the form of the goal is to actively devote yourself to being more loving to yourself, to learning to tolerate vulnerability, or to being more committed to the gifts that you have to offer.

Viewing Your Life through “Kindsight” allows you to put the past to rest through self-compassion and asking deeper questions about what you truly desire. It avoids the ego traps inherent in focusing on any specific form of a goal by focusing on states of being. And it all starts with self-compassion.

©2012 Noreen Wedman