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In thinking about the holidays, and why they can trigger such stress, rather than pleasure, even when one is trying to consciously change patterns, I thought about the ghosts of Christmas past. A lot of those ghosts have to do with not getting what you wanted or needed and getting treated harshly. Reflecting on what you really wanted: to be loved, to be seen (which getting a desired gift reflects), to feel joy, etc. can direct your intentions and behavior this season (Surviving & Thriving through the Holidays).
AND, forgiving past holidays and the people that populated them could begin to heal the season for you. So, I put together some thoughts on Forgiveness and links to a couple of lovely videos involving the Hawaiian ritual of forgiveness: Ho’oponopono.
Some Thoughts on Forgiveness:
- Forgiveness is not about condoning abusive behavior.
- Forgiveness is not about “making nice,” going along to get along, or not making waves.
- Forgiveness sometimes comes in bits & pieces and sometimes in big chunks. When it comes in big chunks, it can be exhilarating.
- Forgiveness comes after doing grief work, after feeling your feelings of anger, pain, sadness, and betrayal.
- Forgiveness comes after you have processed your feelings. Otherwise, how can you know what you are forgiving? Instant forgiveness is often a self-deceptive ploy to escape feeling our feelings, which will continue to cause problems unless faced.
- Forgiveness is better done after holding the abuser accountable & they have made amends, especially if you are still in a relationship with them. Otherwise, the abuser will think that s/he is being let off the hook and will have no incentive to change. Holding someone accountable is an act of love/respect. It is not the same as punishment.
- Forgiving and forgetting are natural consequences of doing the grief work and of holding someone accountable.
- When people do not change, it doesn’t mean that you don’t forgive them if you sever a relationship with an emotionally, physically, sexually, or economically dangerous person. It is a rational, sanity preserving, quality-of-life sustaining action, based on an honest appraisal of the situation.
- Forgiveness may sometimes mean realizing that the abuser is an emotionally compromised person, whose violence emanates from a combination of factors: distorted life perspective, compromised brain function, selfishness, and/or persistent fear and related anger. A combination of all these factors is probably an indicator of early childhood abandonment and abuse without sufficient ameliorative factors.
- It is most important that you forgive yourself. If you don’t forgive yourself, it will be hard to forgive others. You will remain chained to the pain. It is important to make amends to yourself.
- Some actions may not be forgivable. It is important to find a way to free yourself from bitterness and live the fullest possible life that you can, given your situation.
- Forgiveness is FREEing! Forgiveness frees up energy and intellectual powers to create something new in your life; to live more fully.
- Why? Forgiveness feels better. The tension of resentment that you feel in your body will dissolve. The energy that you spent in resentment, anger, loathing, and bitterness is free to be directed in the present. Qualities like Serenity, Love, Value, Truth, Wholeness, Truth, Contentment, Discernment, Compassion, Clarity, Intelligence, Courage, Joy, Openness, Freedom, Power, and Peace have more room to emerge.
Ho’oponopono: Forgiveness Ritual
I suggest that you practice this one with yourself first. Listen to it once a day or several times a week. You may want to “hug yourself” while listening or singing along with one of the versions. (Thank you, Elizabeth Dunham, MFT, for the idea of adding hugging oneself). The process of forgiveness of others can bring up powerful feelings, I suggest starting with less traumatic situations.
Women singing a version of Hawaiian Forgiveness Ritual: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5TdqH20_Ow&feature=related
Men singing updated version of Hawaiian Forgiveness Ritual: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9UIPzLSUxo&feature=related
Whenever intense feelings arise, remember to use the practice of breathing deeply and noticing physical sensations and emotions that arise.
peace,
©Noreen Wedman 2011
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Reclaiming Yourself through Reclaiming Positive Emotional States
Focusing on any positive feeling state helps shifts the Focus on the Negative that tends to be a legacy from highly stressed family systems (with addicted, emotionally abusive, and/or mentally ill parents). When focusing on the negative becomes a habit over time, we can lose touch with what it is like to feel okay in our own bodies. You can reverse this habit by spending some time each day focusing on some positive emotional state by remembering times you felt that emotion.*
Since we tend to experience feelings that we most recently felt, making a conscious effort to remember a feeling state will increase the likelihood that you will experience this emotion again soon. This habit will create a self-fulfilling prophesy effect that is positive because it subconsciously shifts behaviors. The first time I tried this experiment for myself, I felt the stresses of life were crowding out feeling loving and being loved, so I retrieved memories of different types of love with different people. The next day I found that more people were smiling at me. Then I realized that I had been smiling more than usual, so of course, more people were smiling back!
Are you willing to try the experiment? What emotion haven’t you felt in a while or what emotion would you like to feel more frequently? Even if you can only imagine glimpses of this emotional state, that is sufficient. Spend at least 5 minutes or more in solitude remembering what it is like to feel this feeling. Actively pull up a memory or memories of feeling this emotion. I think that just before sleeping is a good time for the positive feelings to be “incubated.” Keep repeating this experiment until you have ready access to this emotion as appropriate, i.e. courage when you need courage, serenity when engaged in your daily routines, joy in response to life’s splendors, etc.
*Note that this exercise is not meant to be used as a substitute for experiencing painful feeling in response to painful events – the goal is ready access to all your feelings as needed. For more tips on Healing from Emotionally Abusive Relationships, order the workbook: http://toolkitforhealing.com.
©Noreen Wedman 2011
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Treating Mild to Moderate Depression
Even mild depression needs to be taken seriously. Since Depression can lead to subsequent depressions and since depression can lead to suicide, it’s important to start counteracting the loss of zest for life as soon as you notice Symptoms: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=symptoms. Seek a professional consultation immediately to determine the underlying cause of your depression and take the following steps.
Non Pharmacological Treatment for Depression: (1) Move! Do something, even if it’s walking around the block. Exercise breaks down stress chemicals & boosts neurotransmitters that make you feel good. (2) Meditate or do yoga. Being still & breathing deeply slowly shifts things. (3) Eat Healthy & Include Protein in each meal & snacks. Food affects your Mood. (4) Avoid foods that can lead to sugar crashes & mood swings like sugar, coffee, excessive tea drinking, & excess salt. (5) Avoid Addictive chemicals, including Alcohol and marijuana (depressants). (6) Monitor Self-Talk, depression likes to talk trash, so take it out. (7) Problem Solve: Make a list of 3 goals every day and do them. (8) Call friends. Women Stress Manage by Tending & Befriending. (9) Consult your naturopath about supplements. There are a lot of new supplements designed to assist with mood regulation, but it is important that you use one that suits your needs so that you don’t wind up feeling worse.
If you have trouble doing the first 9 steps or don’t experience relief from doing them, see a psychiatrist or prescribing psychiatric nurse for a diagnosis and prescription. Depression due to bipolar disorder is treated differently than major depression. Depression can develop in reaction to severe or chronic excess stress of any kind. The source of the stress can be from a number of sources, including chronic pain, economic stress, physical illnesses, old traumas that have not resolved – posttraumatic stress disorder, intense grief, emotionally abusive relationships, poor stress management, etc. Diseases of the endocrine system also tend to cause depression and should be ruled out by seeing a doctor or naturopath.
Reducing the source of the stress is a key to healing depression without relapsing again. It is important to identify and treat the underlying cause. An important step in treating any depression is getting an assessment of the underlying cause.
Treating Complex, Resistent Depression due to Childhood Abuse and/or Neglect
Healing depression related to childhood abuse and/or neglect is more complicated, tends to be of greater duration & subject to relapse, which causes greater damage to the mindbody. Due to these factors, it is Important to find a therapist trained in a variety of trauma specific therapies and to stick with a program of recovery for a sustained length of time. Adult child abuse victims often leave counseling prematurely. Knowing that it takes sustained effort can prevent impatience with the process that leads to despair or dropping out because you start to feel better. Just because you are feeling better does not necessarily mean that the underlying issues are resolved.
Treating Moderate to Severe Depression
If you have Moderate to Severe Depression, consult your doctor about medication. There is medical evidence that SSRIs (class of anti-depressants related to Prozac) may help regenerate brain cells that are “killed off” in the hippocampus by depression. Taking the drugs will help you recover the energy and the desire to adopt the above mental health regimen. As you feel better, you can gradually phase out the medication with the guidance of your doctor. Abruptly ending medication complicates the healing process. Research has shown that the best overall treatment for depression is a combination of therapy and medication.
The sooner you begin recovery, the better prognosis for long-term health and overall well-being. Most age related disease is stress related disease. I believe that treating depression comprehensively can put you on a track for life-time health.
©Noreen Wedman 2011
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This post is in response to Worthless Teenagers and the Parents Who Make Them.
Parents who Emotionally Abuse to the extent described by the teenager in ”Worthless“ have severe psychological problems like personality disorders and/or chemical dependency. Sometimes the style of emotional abuse is more subtle, but every bit as relentless. Inside, many of these parents are terrified hurt children who cope with their own fears of powerlessness, helplessness, and lack of self-worth by projecting onto others and by trying to have control and power over others instead of themselves. They can’t parent effectively because they haven’t grown up yet themselves and haven’t taken responsibility for their own healing.
Instead of taking a position against abuse, like many survivors of childhood abuse do, some may have subconsciously aligned with their abuser. Most abusive people have their own histories of childhood abuse and/or abandonment. They often do not remember their own abuse due to the age at which they were abused and/or to the psychological phenomenon of dissociation, by which the brain blanks out upsetting memories.
In addition, the age at which they were abused affected the development of their brain. Due to new imaging technology, we now know that the brains of people with borderline personality disorder have different sized amygdalae, which probably contributes to intensity and frequency of triggering that they experience.
My heart really goes out to the teenagers like the one in “Worthless.” She is in the worst position because both parents are abusive. It is going to take a lot of effort for her to recover. Having one loving, relatively emotionally stable parent who is loving and supportive can counteract a lot of the damage done by the out-of-control abusing parent. This is also true for involved grandparents, aunts and uncles, and family friends. Even teachers can have a significant impact through words of encouragement and being supportive of a troubled teen’s talents.
ARE YOU A TEENAGER WITH A PARENT WHO YELLS AT YOU or CONSTANTLY PUTS YOU DOWN or CALLS YOU NAMES? It you are an adult or a teenager that has experienced this level of emotional violence, please know that it is not your fault. Also, please contact a counselor or other trustworthy adult. There are a number of books written on the subject of Verbal Abuse and Bullying. I have written a workbook on Healing from Verbal Abuse for Adults and older teens who have had Emotionally Abusive childhoods: http://toolkitforhealing.com.
IF YOU ARE A PARENT who recognized your behavior, there is help available. While you may be overcome with feelings of shame or guilt or be tempted to deny your reality, DON’T. There are reasons for why you have these issues and there is help available. It will take a lot of courage and a good dose of humility.
If you are addicted to alcohol or other drugs, seek treatment: SAMHSA; AA; NA, MA; or SOS. But don’t stop there. If you are emotionally abusive, get a good assessment. Then find a counselor who specializes in working with your issues.
If you have a personality disorder (which I prefer to conceptualize as complex PTSD – Posttraumatic Stress Disorder) find a counselor who specializes in working with personality disorders. Sometimes there are other psychological issues involved like bipolar disorder or cognitive processing disorders. Sometimes a combination of Aspergers and narcissistic traits looks like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but isn’t and the therapy is different. Other resources include National Alliance on Mental Illness; Support for family members and partners of people with Borderline Personality Disorder; and NPD Family.
I know that it is scary to consider, but You and your family will all benefit if you seek help.
©Noreen Wedman 2011
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Facing one’s shadow psychologically is a good thing. Although it can generate some rough weather emotionally, stuffing emotions sends them underground where they can cause more havoc in the long run. For instance feelings regarding a traumatic incident that are not expressed tend to emerge later as depression.
Peering into the Darkness can seem like a useless or frightening task. However, it is the place where shift happens. “Embracing the darkness” is a technique that I use that relies on the same elements of the mind that create dreams. Relying solely on discomfiting sensory-related imagery (rather than thoughts) that emerge in connection with a disturbing memory or dream, transformation happens by becoming “one with that image” – by “embracing” what one fears until images of transformation appear in the mind’s eye. The fogs lifts, a rainbow appears, a child sings sweetly, the scent of flowers perfumes the imagination.
Why does this work? I suspect that it works for several reasons. The amygdala, the part of the brain connected with the flight, fight or freeze response, “thinks” in symbols & sensory images, not words. The amygdala has immediate access to regions of the brain connected with touch, sight, hearing, and smell. It houses the emotional memory system. “Embracing the Darkness” also uses the principles of desensitization used to treat phobias by facing fears while in a state of relaxation. By using the “language” of the amygdala the emotional charge around frightening and disturbing memories may be discharged and transformed. This week, I invite you to try this technique for an introductory session of $60.
There are other ways to face one’s darkness: Trying new things that are a little scary, pushing at the edge of your comfort zone, recording dreams, writing stream of conscious thoughts daily, and processing a painful memory that has surfaced with your counselor. I use a technique called “the Dive” process painful memories. The Dive incorporates aspects of Focusing, Traumatic Renegotiation, the Enneagram, Somatic experiencing, and depth Psychology. A current experience is processed and a related early memory is processed, resolving the current and the old unfinished business, leaving you more present and relaxed, in an essential state of being: more peaceful, joyful, loving, serene, empowered, wise, intuitive, valued, or able to commit. http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/spirituality.asp
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Having words for what is being experienced in an emotionally abusive relationship is inherently empowering and validating. Many people in emotionally abusive relationships have the experience of trying to explain what is happening to them and not feeling understood because they do not have words to describe what is happening. In addition, the degree to which they are being emotionally abused is so far above what is normal that they may appear as if they are exaggerating when they are not. To assist others in identifying Emotional abuse and communicating what they are experiencing, I have compiled a list of types of Verbal and Emotional Abuse.
Discovering words for what has happened to you infers that someone else has experienced the same thing and brings relief. You are not making this up. Having a name for your experience of emotional abuse helps you sort out which issues belong to the abuser (and which issues are yours), confront the invalidation of the emotionally abusive person, and elicit support from others.
The article, “How to Recognize an Emotionally Abusive Relationship,” provides an excellent list on how to recognize the signs of whether you are in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship. To their list, I have added these signs:
- Changes from treating you well early in the relationship to treating you poorly once the relationship has progressed to an increased level of commitment;
- Relentless pursuit and stalking when you end the relationship;
- The abuser implies, “I can do it better,” but the abuser doesn’t offer help or criticizes more.
Sometimes how we are raised leaves us with blind spots in recognizing emotional abuse. For example, if you grew up in a verbally abusive home, you may think that it’s normal. In addition, emotionally abusive relationships erode self-esteem, confidence, and are confusing. Being able to recognize the signs of an emotionally abusive relationship is a big step toward healing.
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Ours is an excessively stressed culture in the unwholesome expectations placed on us by the demands of a work environment that grants too few vacation days and often involves long commutes in traffic. Then there is the unwholesome food used to fuel bodies that are over stressed and sleep deprived. And that is just the start.
P.T.S.D. sufferers stress more easily and more intensely than individuals without P.T.S.D. In addition, many people deal with stress-filled emotionally abusive relationships. Or they grew up with emotionally abusive parents, the result of Continue reading Stress Detox Sessions
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STOP right now and Notice. What is happening in your body? Are any of your muscles tense? Is your body comfortable or contorted into an uncomfortable position? What is happening in your mind? Are you ”tense” there too? Thinking Anxious Thoughts? If so, it is probably impeding whatever goal that you have because too much Stress diminishes the creativity of the mind. Continue reading Becoming Comfortable in Your Own Skin
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There is something key about words to the human psyche. Educational researchers have found that the number of words that a child hears or sees before the age of three is the single biggest predictor of future success. Early on, word exposure affects brain development. Word usage is fundamental to human development and interaction. Continue reading What is it about Verbal Abuse?
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The shooting death of Jennifer Paulson, a 30 year old teacher of special education students, by a man who had stalked her for years was the first thing I heard when I turned the radio on the morning of Friday, February 26, 2010. I was concerned whether anyone I knew was close to her. I thought of the loss, shock and horror of her family, friends, and students. I wondered if the man had ever had a psychological evaluation or counseling. Continue reading Take Stalking Seriously
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ToolKit for Healing
Circle of Healing