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There is something key about words to the human psyche. Educational researchers have found that the number of words that a child hears or sees before the age of three is the single biggest predictor of future success. Early on, word exposure affects brain development. Word usage is fundamental to human development and interaction.
Somewhat similar to the way ants relate to each other via chemicals, humans relate to each other via words. We are social creatures. Human social life is amazingly complicated and much of it involves words. We depend on accurate feedback from each other to improve our functioning. We depend on language to increase cooperation and enhance survival. We use words to learn and teach. We use words to connect, express support and affection. Misuse of language can wreck havoc in any of these functions. Verbal and other emotional abuse is a misuse of a language function.
Conversely, when talking about verbal and other forms of emotional abuse, too much focus is placed on the literal meaning of the words when responding to verbal abuse or talking about how to heal from it. If we focus on just the words when responding to emotional abuse, we won’t be effective because it is the use of the words to control, manipulate, hurt, dominate or ruin (as in reputation or sanity) that is the problem. For instance, arguing about content with someone who is rationalizing in the first place is a losing battle – s/he will probably just continue to rationalize.
When trying to understand the impact of the abuse and how to heal, it is important to identify the damage to the relationship – the lack of support, cooperation, nurturing, informing, and bonding. These processes are the building materials of a relationship. Without them you have a leaky vessel in danger of sinking. The lack of any one of these is a serious loss – especially in key relationships with parents and partners. And in cultures with weak extended family systems and communities, the losses take on even more impact.
Verbal abuse hurts for a number of reasons. It hurts to think someone thinks badly of you. It hurts if there is a little truth in the abuse, which is often how someone who is abusing you hooks you into playing the game. And yes, the spin that you put on verbal abuse has the power to increase or decrease the pain. If you are uncertain of yourself because of abusive parenting, verbal abuse is going to hurt more and be more confusing because the abuse appears to confirm the earlier abusive messages. To rationalize away the hurt by saying that they are only words is to ignore the purpose of painful emotions – to let us know that something is wrong.
And there is grief over the losses. It hurts when you realize someone you thought you were in a relationship with doesn’t care about you the way you thought they did. Even once you figure out that it is a game, a destructive one, it is painful and alarming to realize you weren’t able to recognize it sooner.
And, even once you realize that the abuse is really about the other person, it may still hurt and trigger you sometimes or at least somewhat if not as much. Part of the reason for this is stimulus response conditioning – there are a lot of opportunities in life to have negative visceral and emotional associations with all sorts of emotional abuse. Or as Don Miguel Ruiz expresses it, “One word is like a spell, and humans use the word like black magicians, thoughtlessly putting spells on each other.” This is especially true if you were raised with someone who is abusive or have been with an emotionally abusive partner for a while.
Even once you have had considerable opportunity to “decondition” the stimulus response conditioning and you have come to a point where you feel pretty good about yourself, you may still get upset sometimes. Why? Because you are human, and humans depend on the strength of their social contacts for survival and general well-being. Abusers make use of that knowledge.
In addition, if you grew up with a verbally abusive parent, it may have negatively impacted your cognitive development as well as your maturational development. In a couple of well constructed studies looking at the impact of neglect and other forms of abuse in connection with the issue of dissociation, both studies were surprised to find verbal abuse as having a strong correlation with dissociation (http://www.attachmentresearch.org/pdfs/Dutra%20et%20al%20draft.pdf by Dutra et al and http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/163/6/993? by Teicher et al). Both studies were large and neither predicted the correlation. In the study by Teicher et al, the correlation of dissociation with verbal abuse was as strong the correlation of dissociation with sexual abuse by a non family member and stronger than with physical abuse. Scientists don’t really understand why the correlation is so strong. I have some hypothesizes:
In the longitudinal study by Dutra et al, emotional abandonment was prevalent in the parenting of the children studied. As discussed earlier, the use of words is closely tied with bonding. In the videos, you can see the child going up to the parent for support when injured only to be ignored or rebuffed by the parent. The children then display confused behavior going toward and then away from the parent. The human mind doesn’t seem to know how to handle this situation. It is programmed to reach out for support. Perhaps the awareness that the parent isn’t there for them is too alarming and mild dissociation happens or a pattern for dissociation is formed to avoid the very threatening reality of an unavailable parent. Responsible caring parental figures are literally key to the survival of children. Perhaps the amygdala reacts, clouding awareness. I also suspect that attachment and the capacity for language are linked in the hardwiring of the brain and through learning.
There is another major reason verbal abuse is damaging and that is the chronicity of stress in an emotionally abusive relationship. In emotionally abusive relationships, not only are there patterns of abuse, but the abuse is frequent. That means you frequently have to dislodge whatever verbal bomb that was lodged at you and landed in your brain. This takes time and energy. Plus there is the drain of the weapons hurled at you that you were unable to dislodge or identify and are continuing to leak poison into your psyche.
And there is the stress of the lack of cooperation. Problems are not getting solved. If it is an adult relationship, you are doing more than your share of work in the relationship. If you are a child growing up in an abusive household, there is a lot that you are not learning or are going to have to unlearn that will follow you into adulthood.
Whether the relationship is with a parent, partner or friend, there is the lack of affection and support that you are not getting, but which is necessary to replenish and nurture your psyche. All of the above take a tremendous toll on the psyche and the body, and you may become both physically and mentally unwell. Most of my clients come through the door with symptoms of depression and anxiety and some stress related physical ailment. Verbal abuse hurts for a complex set of reasons, including the toll of chronic stress on your physical health.
©Noreen Wedman 2010
The shooting death of Jennifer Paulson, a 30 year old teacher of special education students, by a man who had stalked her for years was the first thing I heard when I turned the radio on the morning of Friday, February 26, 2010. I was concerned whether anyone I knew was close to her. I thought of the loss, shock and horror of her family, friends, and students. I wondered if the man had ever had a psychological evaluation or counseling.
I checked the internet for news of the event. The shooting took place before the children had arrived at Birney Elementary School in Tacoma as Ms. Paulson was making her way to the school building. Nobody I knew probably knew her, which was a relief, but the story gripped me. It was a terrible tragedy. I also wondered whether it was preventable.
Paulson’s father described her as a “very kind and merciful, loving person. That’s probably why she was a special ed teacher.” http://bit.ly/d4yuOq The photo of her shows an intelligent, sensitive, gentle expression. Tacoma School District spokesman Dan Voelpel noted, “The current principal said that Jennifer told her that she didn’t think that this man would harm her. She just simply felt that he was a lost soul.” It can be so hard to believe that one is in serious danger, even in the midst of taking precautions. Unfortunately, lost souls can be dangerous – deadly dangerous.
She was kind, but not naïve enough to fail to take precautions. Someone else reported that she was afraid of him. In 2008, she filed a restraining order against Jed Waits. He had been seen walking down the hall of the school. The staff had a photo of him and had been alerted to call 911 if anyone saw him. Karin White Tautfest, of YWCA Pierce County, said that Paulsen “was doing everything that somebody could do.” http://ow.ly/1c3Yi
He had followed her home after school the previous Friday. She had called the police and he had been arrested and jailed. But tragically, he was released on bail just days before he shot her.
Voelpel noted, “This is a situation that doesn’t cross your mind, that you don’t think is going to happen. When it does, it knocks everybody flat.” Nobody expects to be the one that gets murdered or to be near the scene of a murder. In retrospect, it seems that extra protection should have been in order due to Waits release from jail.
Stalking is relatively common and when something is common, we can take it for granted. However, stalking is frequently lethal. One of the shocking statistics that I found as I continued researching is that 76% of female murder victims are stalked in the year before their death. http://bit.ly/ciWAte. In a recent, large-scale study, 14 of every 1000 adults experienced stalking in the previous year.
Two phrases that I found disturbing were the calling of the stalking by Waits “a relationship” and “an ongoing problem between the two.” Evidently, the two had not even dated. He was obsessively infatuated with her after working with her at a cafeteria while she was a student at SPU. Not only that, but another woman in Ellensburg had filed an anti-harassment case against Waits, but had failed to show up in court. Against her wishes, Waits had evidently sent Paulsen messages and gifts and had tried to visit her repeatedly. Viewing theses actions as a relationship obscures the problem. Stalking is a crime, not a relationship.
Waits was tracked down and found shortly after the murder of Paulsen. When he opened fire on the police, the police returned fire, killing Waits near a preschool. Two people are dead. Friends and family on both sides are traumatized and bereft. Children of two schools are traumatized. And there is the haunting thought that it was all preventable.
What if we, as a culture, took stalking as the potentially lethal and serious problem it is? What if we understood stalking as a sign of an unhealthy and potentially lethal state of mind? What if we mandated psychological evaluations and counseling for people who stalk? What if we denied bail to stalkers who violated anti-harassment orders? In this case, Jennifer Paulson would still be alive.
Best wishes for a wonderful New Year!
May it be filled with unexpected treasures, loving connections, and new successes!
Since New Years Resolutions tend to fail, let’s dismiss the idea as untenable. I suspect that one of the reasons New Years Resolutions fail is that the term resolve probably automatically sets up defenses. I prefer working with terms that are more motivating like desires, goals, and intentions. Here’s some ideas for creating desirable change in your life.
Keep Going. If at first you don’t succeed, learn from your mistakes and keep going. Smokers and alcoholics usually experience several relapses before putting together long-term abstinence. The same is true for any major change. Sometimes adopting a lifetime goal, like good health as a way of life, helps minimize the toll on the self-esteem that temporary setbacks have and helps put setbacks in perspective. Some goals, like sobriety, are better lived “one day at a time.”
Acknowledge Conflict. Acknowledge that parts of you may have conflicting interests. Although part of you might really want to achieve a goal. Other parts of you may be more comfortable with the status quo, or a less ambitious goal. For example, you may decide to lose weight for health reasons. Parts of you may be reluctant to give up some of the sensual pleasures with food that you wish to restrict or eliminate from your diet. Other parts may get comfort from food that you have decided to restrict or may be uncomfortable with the secondary gains like extra attention from potential romantic interests and all that that entails. Acknowledging the conflict can dissipate the tension and generate problem solving.
Modify Goals. The goal then becomes identifying and becoming friends with the different parts of yourself and negotiating an agreement that incorporates the whole. Often a counselor and/or support group can be useful in identifying conflicting interests, the defenses raised on their behalf, and strategies for disarming defenses.
Plan: what, where, and when. Men tend to do better when they decide on specific goals. Plan to reduce distractions. Too many goals set at one time can act as distractions. Specific goals have the advantage of focusing attention that can increase the likelihood of succeeding and improve the quality of the outcome.
Take stock before setting a goal. Hastily set goals are easily discarded. Consider what seems to be the main glitch in your life. I did this a few years back and realized that the place where I was getting stuck was health issues, which is not something that my doctors and I had considered because I was healthy in so many of the ways middle-aged people weren’t. When I stepped back and looked at the bigger picture, I realized that health problems of one sort or another were constantly tripping me up. This was a revelation, as I did not think of myself as an unhealthy person. Once I focused on health issues, other things fell into place.
Desire. Consider this important question, “What do you most desire?” Desire is usually different from what you think you should do. A way of discovering what you truly desire is to ask yourself questions like, “If there were no way I could fail, what would I do?” “What is something that I have always wanted to do and have put off?”
Get support. Twelve step programs, like AA, are based, on people sharing with each other what works. Women tend to improve success when they share their goal with others.
Essential States. The word intention carries with it both the meaning of to attend to or focus and the purpose of having a positive outcome. Adopt an intention that focuses on the benefits that you will receive. It is especially helpful to imagine the positive changes that you will experience as a result of achieving your goal. Imagining the secondary gains of achieving a goal in as much sensual and emotional detail as possible helps bring your subconscious in alignment with your conscious mind. For example, if your goal is to quit smoking, you might imagine the exhilaration and confidence boost of a long pleasant bike ride on a mild sunny day with all the sights, sounds, smells and palpable sensations. Making it real in your imagination is very motivating. Would you experience an essential state like Joy, Love, Peace, Serenity, Truth, Compassion, Clarity, Freedom, or Courage? Intentions that draw you into an essential state are true expressions of desire.
General benefits. One article I read suggested that setting New years resolutions tended to be bad for your health because resolutions were often unreasonable and set one up for failure and reduced self-esteem. For this reason, I prefer Intentions or Affirmations that focus on solutions. The article suggested adopting goals with the benefits in mind like going green, getting in good cardio vascular condition, improve or learn a skill like guitar playing, and giving back to the community. The key is asking yourself daily or weekly, “What am I going to do today (or this week) to contribute to this goal?” The Daily and Weekly actions add up to a lifelong habit.
Believe In Yourself. Affirmations state the belief that you are capable and have positive qualities. An affirmation I favor in that regard is ”I Show Up in mind, body and heart.” People tend to think that their efforts don’t count for much. The truth is that both our absence and our presence have ripple effects we can not measure. Showing Up is inherently self-affirming. It is saying, “I count,” and breaks the isolation of PTSD. Because showing up has ripple effects that one can not see, it is not possible to say that you failed. The effect you create by showing up in body, heart and mind are impossible to quantify. And perhaps because of that, I find the Ripple effect very psychologically reinforcing.
Be Flexible. I confess. In 2008 I had a whole list of affirmations on the right side of my computer screen. This has been my pattern. It allows me to succeed at something on a regular basis. One of them was to give through writing. I wrote 12 newsletters in 2008. This year found me learning social media and working on a second edition of A ToolKit for Healing. Showing up and practicing an affirmation or following an intention can lead to the discovery of another desire.
Practice Sufficiency Sufficiency is the habit of asking, “What do I have at hand to accomplish my goals?” In other words, it is taking inventory of the resources that available and the steps can I take now to make my goals a reality. To do this, you will also need to replace your “Yes, but” statements with “How do I …?” questions. “Yes, I would like to go back to school, but I don’t have the money” becomes “How do I find financing for college?” In 12 Step lingo, it is practicing H.O.W. – Honesty Openness and Willingness.
Keep A Journal. Ironically, the indirect approach led me to specific goals for this year like publishing the second edition. I doubt that I will be able to see it to completion without keeping track of my progress. Recording is very reinforcing.
copyright Noreen Wedman 2008-2010
peace, light, love and joy,
Noreen
Happy Holidays!
I think it is possible to enjoy the holidays – One Day At A Time – or at least make them meaningful. I also think that surviving the holidays is a great idea, so please drink responsibly or don’t drink at all, because I would like to see all of you in the New Year. I realize that, this year, just getting by maybe good and there are websites listed at the end for people dealing with grief, suicide, deployment and divorce. The harsh parts of life do not seem to ever stop for the holidays and sometimes increase due to stress and intoxication. With that in mind, Keep an ear out for those who are not doing so well this holiday season.
Start with intent: What do the winter holidays mean to you? Consider dumping traditions that don’t work for you and adopting new ones. Each year is different, so why do the exact same thing every year?
Less can be More (more time, more meaningful and easier on the environment).
Plan: What are reasonable budget and time boundaries? Spend what you can afford in Time and Dollars. Don’t be a Scrooge if you have money. Spending money helps keep people employed. Buy Sustainably. It’s a small planet. Buying experience, like tickets to a local event, is one way to buy sustainably. What you purchase will determine what remains more than ever.
Do Less than planned. A simple way of planning is to make up a list of activities that interest you. Then only do what appeals to you. This strategy can be much truer to yourself and more satisfying than following an exact plan. It allows for more room for intuition in making decisions.
Do what is really important to you (and not one iota more).
Feel what you Feel (and let that be okay).
Let it be (instead of trying to force it). It will be much better.
Limit time with people who are critical by having an escape plan.
Escape to other people you love or escape the whole thing and go on vacation.
Treat Yourself.
Be kind to strangers - volunteer. Give to non profits, all of which need money more than ever.
Eat healthy, get enough sleep, and exercise, preferably outdoors to absorb some sunlight (even if filtered by clouds) to avoid S.A.D.
Remember to Breathe and Remember your Intent.
If you over do it, enjoy that too. Guilt tripping is no fun.
Have fun! It’s not a performance
Surviving the Holidays
Sometimes thriving is not possible. The following are web sites I found that had good guides for surviving the holidays in times of crisis (I don’t necessarily agree with anything else these web sites say, but for the most part, I thought the ideas relating to holidays were useful)
http://www.divorcewizards.com/Top-Ten-Ways-to-Survive-the-Holidays-During-and-after-divorce.html
http://www.survivingsuicide.com/holiday
http://www.griefshare.org/holidays
http://www.survivingdeployment.com/kidsholidays.htm
peace,
Noreen
When times are difficult, it can be very difficult for us to find gratitude in our hearts. Of course, when times are tough is when we need it most. I am not referring to the saccharine admonishments we have all heard from others, like “Cheer up! It could be worse!” Gratitude used as a deterrent to grieving can keep us as stuck as wallowing in self-pity. Once we have grieved and are ready to move on, gratitude is more like taking an inventory of what one has on stock, which can be heartening and energizing.
When times got hard in the past, I would get down to the basics. I always had a goal of naming at least 10 things for which I was grateful. Naming my six senses got me over halfway there, and my senses were always abilities I could be truly grateful for possessing. For you it might be something different.
For me, being alive meant there was a second chance. I had myself and something new could happen. I might not have something or someone that I had valued, but, I could create something different. There was a world of possibilities available.
Gratitude can be antidote for anxiety or even the panic that can fuel desperate acts or freezing inactivity. I have always been told that “A grateful heart will have great things show up.” What I do know is that whether events are pleasant or unpleasant, if I take what I have for granted, it has a way of eroding. Corrosive anger wrecks havoc and creates new losses. For me, the anger is more likely to be subtle and mixed with anxiety, but still corrosive, like not getting things done.
Gratitude is an antidote to fear. I have also learned that Reminding myself of the resources, inner and outer, that I possess is good stress management. It improves my perception of having enough resources to handle whatever situation has arisen.
Gratitude is calming. Like many abuse survivors, for years I had trouble going to sleep. I noticed that if my mind got stuck on a problem, it could keep me up for even longer with the mild anxiety it generated. That was when I started saying prayers of gratitude at night. In time, I decreased the time it took to fall asleep to less than 15 minutes.
Gratitude makes a great gift. When times are rough, we need each other even more, but that is when we are also most likely to lose patience. Gratitude can be a way of mending ties and building connections to each other. There are many ways, large and small, that one can show appreciation and ask “for giveness.”
So many of the personals ads state that s/he wants someone without baggage. Ironically, it is often a clear sign that s/he has baggage that needs attending. The bad (or good) news is there is probably not a person on the planet without some baggage.
A person who is looking for a partner without baggage is likely blind to amount of baggage that s/he is carrying. There is probably an attachment to being safe rather than dealing with life on its own terms. Implied in this desire maybe a childlike longing to be taken care of and protected from the ills of the world. Enter the ghost of the abandoning parent who was somehow not available through depression, withdrawal, addiction, divorce, death, illness, neglect or abuse.
All you ever get in life is another human being. Maturity is realizing that relationships are not happy ever after paradises, but fertile ground for healing and growth. I am not saying tolerate the intolerable, but know that relationships are creative endeavors that require nurture and work.
Another common statement in personals is a desire for no drama or someone who is not about control or playing games. As with the desire for no baggage, stating this desire is a likely indicator that s/he is still hurting from a relationship with someone who has personality disorder, borderline, narcissist or otherwise. The focus in these cases on what they don’t want implies a hurt that hasn’t sufficiently repaired. They haven’t learned that the power of attraction comes from describing who one is rather than saying what one doesn’t want, that it would be better to describe themselves and what they do like.
There are ghosts haunting these people, the ghosts of past lovers and probably the ghosts of abusive parents. There is grief and trauma work to resolve at least to the point where the person can tolerate and work with the stresses of being in a relationship to be able create a vessel that will further both parties on their journey. Each person needs to be able to give and receive so that the relationship can nurture each person and sustain the relationship in times of difficulty.
John Gottman came up with a subjective measure of a relationship that is sustainable through his research with couples: the good outweighed the bad by a 5 to 1 ratio. While a good relationship can provide a buffer for each partner from life’s stresses, it also creates stresses. That is where one’s inner resources and support network become crucial. Without these, the relationship is as spooky and desolate as an abandoned ship at sea. Or the relationship can be terribly draining or fail to sail:
INFATUATION VAMPIRES
Perhaps they wanted to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh,
But ran shrieking in apprehension to find a person attached.
Like a vampire delighting in the first bite,
They leave your soul to their same plight.
Searching for someone else another night.
Perhaps they played with you like a cat would its prey,
Cruelty, under the guise of worldly sophistication
Sapped your vitality,
Giving them all the satisfaction.
Hypnotized by gleaming eyes, you were paralyzed,
Or let go, if you didn’t play.
Perhaps they were haunted by the ghosts
Of cruel, tormented, or absentee parents.
They sought your assistance out of purgatory,
And in the experiment, gained a glimpse of heaven
Frightened, never trusting their vision,
They vanished into thin air,
Leaving you feeling invisible, shadowboxing, reeling from despair.
 While you might not be as psychologically draining as a ”vampire,” you may be playing Echo to a Narcissus. Many of my clients that are partnered with people with personality disorders are far more functional then their partner, but haven’t healed enough from their own abuse to accept their worthiness. They have a shadow form of their partner’s serious disorder.
As the last two lines of the poem indicate, it can take time to realize or own one’s problems. In addition, it takes time, more time than you would like, to change these patterns. It is important to be patient with yourself and with your partner. With work, one can have the satisfaction of saying, “My monsters have become little hobgoblins whom I invite to tea ,” to paraphrase Ram Dass.
It is normal not to like looking at one’s shadows. Unfortunately, many people with personality disorders are too afraid to look at their shadows and refuse to consider changing. Then the relationship becomes untenable and separation a viable option. When one has a vampire parent who never changes, the relationship becomes a skeleton of itself. In the words of Toni Morrison in Beloved, “It was not a story to pass on.” The lessening of one’s attachment to the abusive relationship allows one to move forward.
A popular misconception in dating in the 1980s and 1990s was that one healed one’s stuff, and then, and only then, did one enter a partner relationship. I heard reports of more than one therapist saying to their ACOA (Adult Child of Alcoholic) client, “you don’t want to date an ACOA.” Although the counselor probably meant an ACOA that had not begun work on issues, the unintended inference was that their client was undesirable as a mate. This kind of perfectionistic thinking is a common trait of an Echo. The reality is that even people with very difficult relationships can manage to make slow gradual progress, which leads to a more satisfactory relationship, providing that both parties are commited.
In Undefended Love by Psaris and Lyons, these two therapists describe a process by which conflict can be transformed into intimacy. As someone one once said in a personals ad, “Who would want a life without baggage? Don’t you want to travel?” Just as we need a certain level of stress to keep life vital and be able to make mistakes in order to learn, we need a certain amount of baggage to get to our destination.
EXERCISE
Make a list of personal traits, attitudes, or beliefs that you find most troublesome. Make sure that there is at least one or two with which you have made signigicant progress or mostly eradicated from your life. Think about when they became a factor in your life and write the approximate year down. Then write an epitaph down for it as if the trait had died. If you feel mostly finished with that trait/attitude/belief, write down the year it “died.” Then draw or otherwise construct a graveyard. On the tombstone, write the ”Name” of each trait, the date of its ”Birth” and its “Death.” If you still feel you have a considerable amount of work to do with this issue, leave it’s death date blank or write a date in the future when you estimate that you will have made satisfactory progress on it. For example, when I made up this art project for myself, one of the “Tombstones” read, Unworthiness, 19– to 2000, Lacked humility And died of pride, Shot down dueling With her mirror image, She had met her match. You may want to include a few ghosts hovering around the graveyard. After all, it’s not like Unworthiness doesn’t rattle its chains at me every once in a while.
©Noreen Wedman 2009
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